I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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