dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize