I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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