All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
