I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
