my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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