he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
