Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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