Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
