Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
