I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
