im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
