If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
