I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
