I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize