i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
