It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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