in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
