I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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