The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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