I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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