I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
