I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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