My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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