Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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