p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
