Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
