There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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