Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
