I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
