Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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