I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
