There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dick very happy bro
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