just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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