Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
