he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
