i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
