My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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