he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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