My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
