I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
