so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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