I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
