He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
operation have a gay friend backfired
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
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