just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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