At least make sure they are 18
Why
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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