Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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