There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
