yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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