I'm so fucking centered right now
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
