I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
