Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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