got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
