Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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