You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
