So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
