after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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