i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
